thought daughter

thought daughter episode 01: thought daughter - missing out on life

hello angels & welcome to another post ִֶָ🪽་༘ this post is the very first one of my new "thought daughter" series in which i'm going to write about anything that is thought daughter like? i'm pretty sure you kinda get what i mean by that. the first topic is going to be about missing out on life or more specific the experience of having no friends. this is mostly going to be my own experience and on how it feels to me. maybe there are things you can relate to but honestly i really hope you don't have to relate on not having friends. i thought a lot about whether i should post this since it is kind of vulnerable for me but i'm here to share everything and anything and maybe someone is going to read this and thinks to them-selves "oh i'm actually not alone with this." random but i'm listing to "loser mono-logue" by sign crushes motorist while writing this- it get's me in my feelings somehow.

i actually always had friend until 10th grade. i really liked the small girl group we had within our class and i loved my two best friends but it was exhausting sometimes- even toxic at times. we all had our own problems, we were young and didn't know any better. the bond i had with my two best friends was strong all the years but when we all graduated from school we somehow outgrew each other. it sounds weird but in our last year i somehow sensed that it wasn't going to be a forever but now after a few years i realised that it was better this way. as i mentioned earlier it was pretty toxic at some times. it makes me feel like that friendships with three girls are really cursed. i am sad about the fact that i don't have my two best friends anymore or maybe it's the fact that i don't have a best friend at all but would i really be happy with my old best friends? i don't think so. it's hard to accept but sometimes you have to understand what's good for you and what is not. i don't want to have crappy friends, i would rather stay alone.

sometimes it is frustrating to see other girls having plans with friends, having the time of their lives, having such wonderful friendships and it's not frustrating because i'm not happy for them it's frustrating because i know i don't have the same. i do have 1-2 people i occasionally text with but that's it. two weeks ago a nice lady asked me "don't you go to lakes with your friends from time to time?" i was so embarrassed- i didn't know what i should tell her. also i don't know if i'm the only one but i feel like finding friends as you get older is harder. i finished school and i'm not really the most social person you can find. introvert- that's me + i really have a hard time meeting new people, maybe that's a little bit relatable for some of you. i really like to connect with people online though ٩(^ᗜ^ )و ´-  but somehow there is still this hope in me that i will find friends in the future and that i'm not going to be alone forever.

with love, celi